You have hid so much of yourself from everyone else because you strongly advocate for realism. If they gonna be nice, at least it's genuine not because they feel sorry, if they are laughing, at least it's genuine cos' they do not do it to try and heal your depression.
Hey! You chose to hide from yourself so that you do not have to face this reality that says you are human, you got no super power, you got problems like everyone else but maybe you are a little different cos' they have got no solution. So you say the mind like everything else can be programmed to be what you want it to be, so you choose a super power, strength, they will know you as the Strong one. You are unfazed, you got everything under control. You're not a weakling, you do not cry.
Uuum! Wait a minute. Is that why you say the duck is your spirit animal, I mean bird or whatever spirit it is? Because ducks look so smooth and unruffled on the top yet inside, within themselves they are paddling furiously just to make it to where the reeds are? Wow! Clever.
And now that you do not know yourself anymore, you love strangers because somehow with them, you are a whole new person, dressed for that day, ready with a new personality and a different tale of who you are. Sigh! You feel a rebirth, a renewal of a soul you could have been if you had not chosen the closet but then forever is a scam, so are strangers. Soon they become common people who pry too much, who feel that you have let them know so much about themselves and reciprocation is what every soul craves so again, you run. What do they call it, ghosting or you block or you are just going to act like you do not know them. Crazy huh?
But they choose to see it as cruelty which is so harsh a judgement because all you are trying to do is hold your pieces together, so your hands are full you need nobody to hold hands with.
Then comes the battle you never win, never tried to win. The body craves bodies so your mind wrestles your body telling you are a temple but you know you're not a temple because somehow, your flesh already knows more than a temple knows. And it is so unfair that they have to call you a temple because where a temple is a house of peace and healing, your body is loud, these thoughts wrestle each other, and how does it heal when everyday you cover up scars with fresh scars. So No! You are not a temple, but again you're not filthy. You are just that house by the highway, nice, lone and deserted with only echoes of past inhabitants to show that at least the whole structure is not yet down.
Then comes the occasional need to be convinced that someone out there wants you, that you are like everyone else, human. So you feed your insecurities with one night stands, you hook up with people you barely know because deep down you trying to convince yourself that you might not be worth anything at all, but you are capable of giving something, pleasure. So you give it, and you carry the guilt and shame and hide it where you hid the rest of you, in exchange for the glow and knowing you are capable of something you can give a name, something someone can confirm.
And you smile when you are reminded of them telling you you are good for nothing and at nothing, they were so wrong about you. And you carry your dignity on your shoulders because what they do not know will not kill them. And so when the world tells you that doing such is cheap, when they think they can term you loose, you do not fight because for you it's fulfilling, it's healing and at least it comes with no expectations, you already have a lot of those. That sucks!
And now, when someone says they love you, you pick a fight and tell them they are dumb or their nose is a bit off the contour line or they are light skinned. Because broken, you cannot be loved and it is only a matter of time before they choose something whole, new and shiny and you like the broken toy you are, discarded, waiting for the next scavenger to pick you up, and if edible enough, the vultures will feast on what's remaining of you. Because you know love is beautiful but not for everyone and you, you have never had it so what is the point of adding heartbreak to your already full baggage bag?
So when you hear that it requires commitment you ask what commitment is because you have never committed to anything not even yourself. And when they say it requires reciprocation you do so much of it that you reciprocate even the worst, like if they cheat you don't trust yourself not to, if they buy you a car you most probably gonna rob a bank to buy them a plane. It's simple really, you love more where you do not even have to and you give so much of yourself where you are only given some shoulder. So you avoid that by all costs.And when they say you should talk of yourself more, be open, tell them of the good and the bad but you know they can not handle you so you rather not get close than suffer rejection. And talk of vulnerability, did you not just say you are strong so anything that jeopardises that title is dangerous so you run before missiles are shot.
And so you wish everyone knows being happy is a state of mind and a state of mind is relative. You're happy watching everyone else happy, you're happy making sure everyone has what they want, so you fight their wars, feed them, tell them you love them even when you do not really mean it. So you vicariously live through them, their happiness yours, when they glow, you glow because maybe somehow this is the temple you are, you serve happiness despite your broken springs.You are at peace with who you are.
We are all temples!
