Insecurity breeds hate.

Hi.

I'm not trying to project my emotions on you, but there is no harm in saying it. I'm sad, upset, ashamed, mad, exhausted. I'm basically just a ball of all those emotions which are anything but positive and I hate it so so much. 

I feel that I've been so silent about certain things I should have spoken out against. Like I've let myself down so many times all in the cover of taking criticism with grace like a lady is supposed to. But what if staying calm and collected when we want to burst is really so breaking?

Note that I'm not here to write about colourism(that's for another day) but this thing I have had to face throughout my childhood and unfortunately now, borders along the lines of colourism and I hope my experiences will help explain the concept of how insecurity breeds hate.

Last year, sometime in May I guess that is when I wrote my first first Insecurity Breeds Hate article. Just like today, I was so so broken. It was in the middle of a pandemic but I had more than that to deal with. Happy me went to our local shops to get some stuff and that's when it all happened. I met these two ladies and they made it clear that I looked nice and bathed well and smelled good but I was just so dark no man would want me for a girlfriend. I thought they were joking but then the older lady, a reputable woman, went on to say, "umnyama yooh, you could really use some skin lightening products, men love them yellow-bones". I wanted to dismiss it all as a joke or just a merchant trying to advertise their skin lightening products but that was not the case. Then the young woman with her, no doubt beautiful and light skinned said, "angkaze ngibone umuntu omnyama omuhle vele" this meaning that she has never ever seen a beautiful dark person. They laughed! I laughed!

I hated myself so much for not having said anything but then realised it was not even a strange thing to hear anymore. I was so used to such remarks even from relatives who would ask stuff like why I was so dark when my parents were so light. For a long time as a kid I did not believe that I really was a part of my family and I remember my dad had a serious talk with me when I once told a relative that I was adopted. Everyone would just be so shocked at family gatherings that my mom, light skinned and her husband had a dark baby and to make matters worse having to explain that my young sister was really my young sister was the worst I ever had to deal with. But as a kid you can dismiss all that and go play hide and seek and never get to think much about it.

But it really went deeper than just relatives and friends asking all that.  Not to brag but in pre-school I was so good at acting, very very good that when we auditioned for our graduation play I was the automatic candidate for Mary. It was the Christmas Story play. I was good people and crammed those lines like a pro and my Mom bought me these beautiful white and pink dresses and white heels at the school's request, which were going to be my costume for the whole play. But who became Mary? Certainly not me and why? Because my teacher Mrs. Ndlovu told me that I was way too dark to portray Mary so a girl called Trish substituted me. I cried but just a little because I was then made narrator and was allowed to recite my own poem and also because my mom said it's fine I would have plenty chances to play Mary later in life. Silly me was charmed and forgot all that. I had just been bullied because of my skin colour.

Then in Grade 5 I believe that is when I really started being conscious of certain things associated with colour. Like how many boys would whistle all the way home when I walked with my light skinned friend but there is this one thing I learnt that particular year from my teacher. He taught me that dark people will always need light skinned people to shine their light on them when taking pictures so they do not come out looking so dark. It is a fun story really. It was a prize giving day of some sorts. And back in primary school coming out first was a big deal and my parents made it so and when I did there always were gifts to celebrate ranging from pens to diaries from puzzles to novels. So on this particular prize giving day, my mom brought with her all these nice gifts, wrapped beautifully in big boxes and I was elated. And so 10 year old me wanted all these moments captured and I had many  pictures taken but also wanted pictures with my two best friends. My other friend was light for days. It was me who came out first, I was the owner of the beautiful gifts and I rightfully felt that the middle position was obviously meant for me and I should hold my gifts. That is when the photographer who happened to be my teacher said my friend should be in the middle and hold the gifts because she was lighter than the two of us and would shine her light upon us so we would not look so dark. I don't know if the theory holds true but I know I was mad only for a little while. I felt so bullied but then that was it, it was a normal thing to make all these jokes about dark skinned people in primary school. I always get some backlash when I say being dark in primary school was one of the worst things most people I know had to go through. I myself had so many nasty nicknames which I try so hard not to remember because they were just way way too nasty but all that, I excused because generally primary school kids are the meanest bunch of people you will ever meet but then they are so mean because they are just innocent little kids. And so I forgot all these incidents and excused them as unfortunate little things. 

All Till Today!

So I was in town and this guy tries to hit on me. By the way I hate that so much, like you do not know me, my name or anything and you just saw me and now you want me? I've just never understood that. And I tell him that I don't believe anything he says and he just got mad like super mad and started saying all these nasty things and how he was just joking. But what stuck with me was when he said, "hamba Mnyamani, umubi futhi. And I don't date Darkies" meaning Leave, Darkie. You're ugly. And I don't date Darkies". It stung. It hurt so bad especially when the guys he was with started laughing. But I just hated myself for standing there and not fighting for myself and so like I always do, here I am venting on this blog because none of you really know me enough to judge me.

It is not only colourism that people really have to cope with there is so so much more. But looking at it all it all comes down to insecurity. We have gotten to a point where we are so insecure about a lot of stuff on us which makes us truly us and that drives us mad when we see someone who is exactly like us because they remind us of who we are and we totally lose it. We despise so much that which we can not change and our insecurities transform into pure hatred. We hate on so many people because somehow we are afraid to face ourselves when we would be in that same position or because they are really us and they remind us of who we are. Remember the women at my local shops? One of them was just as dark as me yet she felt good saying all that. We're human and it is normal that we are insecure but we lose the plot when you start hating on people for things they can't simply change or would not want to change even if they could.

The thing is we live in a world where capitalism feeds on our insecurities. A world so ruled by social media to the extent that beauty is equated to validation and likes taken for influence. A world where people are bashed for being real and admired for being fake. We live in a world whose foundations find their roots in such a patriarchal system that strong confident woman are viewed as overtly sexual and threatening so we all rip into them and tear them apart instead of celebrating them. We live in a world where we see colour, see size, see disability, see sexuality, see everything and are so keen to make judgements and seek to destroy that we view as unfit for society.

So really pick on why you dislike other men or women. Maybe it's because of their size, their complexion, their body hair, big eyes, fashion choices. Catch yourself the next time you feel like bringing others down. Be careful lest your own insecurities dig deep into the well of hatred. I'm not innocent of all this myself but I do try to watch out for what I say be it online or in person and trust me it is not easy but it is worth trying.

Watch out for your insecurities, do not let them send others to their graves way too soon. Be careful lest you become a murderer.

Till next time

Black, bold and beautiful

Mitchel.