LIES I SAY TO SAVE MYSELF.
I often get the “you think too much” phrase thrown at
me, by friends, lovers, strangers, basically anyone and everyone. I will not
deny it, I am a certified over thinker and I am not even proud of it because I
am more than aware of the (un)pleasantries it bears. But in my overthinking, I
am also a graduate in the school of impulsiveness which to me sounds like two
contradictions existing together in a tiny vacuum, it is an impulsiveness that
works in favour of my thinking, more like living with a devil who feeds you
being better than a god who famishes you.
But then what I hear everytime
someone says you overdo the overthinking,
is that I am boring, literally that is how my mind translates it. I think them
saying that is a polite way of saying you are boring, we cannot do crazy stuff
with you, you do not know how to “live”,
you have to loosen up and lose your senses sometimes, just look at you behaving
like everyone’s mom or a father to daughters.
And I always respond that it is
not that I am overthinking, I just have lots of stuff to do, what with school
assignments and having to catch up on missed lectures, then there is attending
to work reports of a sometimes non-existential job, on top of that there is the
most important duty of being a good sister, a model daughter, a smart student,
a deserving-to-be-paid employee.
Truth is there are no work
reports to be made because efficient me did them all a week ago and submitted
them like the desperate-to-be-paid
employee I am, if it is an assignment, I will most probably do it the night
before it is needed because I am not only a certified overthinking mess, I got Honors in procrastinating as well which I admittedly know is not a good trait.
There are no missed lectures to catch up on because I attend class 99% of the
time and try to stay on top of things school wise. There is no bone of a model
daughter in me because I am nothing like the world’s definition of a good
daughter and I am definitely not the world’s best sister, I mean there is just
a lot I cannot do for my helpless siblings, law school has me in tangles right
now, I am definitely not a teacher’s definition of student extraordinaire.
Those are just excuses I tell
people because I just cannot be outright honest that I cannot stand being
around people and feel overwhelmed by all these thoughts I cannot understand.
Truth is I would rather drown myself in books by myself rather than let
everyone find out that I do not talk as much as I do on WhatsApp conversations,
that socially I am a weirdo and it takes so much strength to survive a day
around people. That I would rather spend a long restless night by myself than
let men know how much I fear them, how I am not the fearless, adventurous,
all-about-fun dandy flirt I made myself out to be.
Truth is a girl like me is not
in a position to afford the luxury to mess up in the name of seeking fun or playing reckless life games.
There are no second chances offered to people who barely got the first chance,
who had to fight nail and tooth to get that one chance to try and make things
work. Forgive a girl for “not living”
in order to afford to live. Forgive a girl for “living a lie” in order to create a truth she will not be ashamed
to own someday. Forgive an over thinker for doing the overthinking so she would
someday have the luxury to just dive into things without doing the thinking. Do
not mind the social fear, she is just trying to build a life where she would
lose nothing by vulnerably and blindly trusting.
Now the battle of the gods is
whether to publish this post, I can hear the kicks and thuds from Impulsive
wanting to be allowed to do his thing, “just
publish it, will deal with the rest when it is time to” and of course, the
frail retorts of Overthinker trying to be heard above a choir of thoughts, “Think about what this going to do to
people’s perceptions about you, we cannot deal with this mess right now, there
is already a lot we gotta think about, c’mon”. And a loud laugh like the
voice of a god singing along to the echoes of a volcano he recently cooked, “Why
you gotta think?”
Dear
Reader, if you are reading this you know which voice won the battle.
Till next time
-Mitchel.
